I’ve been in a kind of daze for the past few days. I don’t know why. I keep feeling like something is going to happen, like an ache in my chest that just knows. It’s this constant angst that sits somewhere between my ribs and my heart that pushes me out of my reality and into some neverworld that others can’t seem to relate to.
Sometimes I feel like a total loner. It’s like, I come home from work and I just want people to leave me alone. Except Josh, but being with him is like being with me so it doesn’t really count. But, friends call and are all, “Hey! Let’s hang out!” And I don’t want to. Not because I don’t like them or anything…I’d just rather be alone.
It could be something about being an introvert…blah, blah…and people sap my energy…blah, blah…and I’m with people all day so I’m just tired out. Maybe. But there’s something more to it that I don’t quite get. I generally don’t like hanging out. It’s weird and I can’t explain it…there are just other things I’d rather do. It seems like a waste of time. Does that make me bad? Am I a loner? Is there something wrong with me that I get sick of people after awhile?
Makes me wonder what would happen if I went to a deserted island for a couple of months. Would I appreciate people more? Would I be able to relate better because I’d have a new appreciation? I guess I feel like everyone has certain expectations of me and, when I fail to live up to them, I just feel like crap for crap. It’s easier just to be me by myself. I don’t think people would like the real me if I showed it. She’s kind of judgmental and distant and fragile.
Dunno…
Steph Lewis's Blog
Soooooooo? I’ve healed from MY broken heart, and it’s time.
Others before have spent up to 40 days seeking their peace and understanding. When you feel the emptyness and the need for YOUR time think of “a book, a rope, and Dameon”. IT IS IN YOUR HEART!!!! IT IS IN YOUR SOUL!!!! It is where you find yourself. To gain stength and wisdom in oneness with your creator. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME as those around you.
Forgive me, but there is only one YOU. Educated derelicts and civilized bodies (naive of the ways of the earth), drain you. They attempt to conform you! You NEED yor time.
Fill your nostrils with the odor. Your hands with the movement of a heaving chest. Your heart with the knowledge that you have been there!
It’s Spring, the heals are in the air and it’s time again.
ONLY LOVE
Your feelings are expected for at least two reasons:
1. You are with people all week at work and need time for peace, not having to be “On”
2. You just finished a huge project and there is always a “let down” adjustment to a different schedule and adrenalin level.
yeah. I have been battling the idea, “life is happening right now! Don’t let it slip by…”
For awhile I thought that meant invest invest invest help people listen to people give to people.
Then I realized I was going to die. I could go on for days without seeing people. And if I see people, I only need a few friends available to me and that’s about it.
Then I felt guilty for those thoughts.
Then I began to understand in order to be the best me is to put me first in some respects.
So, alone time it is, a few friends available, and a more energized carrie when it comes to new people, teaching, and intense life moments.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I can hate haninging out too. I only like significant hangouts with substance or too much TV because I am depleted of energy and I want company.