Who do I trust?
It’s incredible looking back on your life and thinking of all the other roads that you could have taken. You know, things like…what if I took that Chemistry scholarship from the U of MN instead of going to Bethel? What if I didn’t go to that dinner thing where I first met Josh? What if…???
I don’t struggle with guilt or wish I had taken other paths. In fact, I think it’s pretty amazing that I ended up where I am.
What I do struggle with is the “what ifs” of the future. I see so many different kinds of people around me, and could see myself “becoming” any of them. I mean, I know that I will ultimately be my own unique Stephanie. But, I could see myself having a little hobby farm in Minnesota. I could see myself getting a cottage by the ocean in Santa Cruz with a surf board and a dog that catches frisbees. I could see myself moving to some metropolitan city teaching Art at some college. I could see myself living in a bunch of different places like Australia or Greece. I could see myself becoming a foster parent. I could see myself owning a horse farm and boarding/breeding/showing horses. I could see myself getting a cool little studio and making a bunch of stuff. I could see myself getting more Bible training and/or focusing more on youth ministry.
And the difficult thing is that the choices I make today will set me up to accomplish one of those ends. But, which one to choose? Whenever I consider more education, the major I choose would really determine my end (unless I went back to school again after that, which would be a real pain). Or, maybe I shouldn’t get more education and can save myself some cash and spend my time doing other things (like ministry or being a mother). What to choose?
I think that my feeling of concern over what I choose for my future is just as dangerous as those who mull over their past decisions too much and are filled with regret. I’m not prone to regretting past choices, but am definitely prone to over-analyzing the “what ifs” of my future.
I didn’t struggle with this before. See, I used to always have this “make your future work for you” mentality. The kind of thing where I knew what I wanted for my life and went out and got it. But now, I don’t trust what I want anymore. I look at what God has done with my life so far, and it is so incredibly amazing and I see how He has taken me beyond what I could have ever hoped for. I don’t currently see God leading me in any direction right now besides “love & serve those around you as much as you can.” So, I guess I’m just chilling out for now. Leaning on God…and trying not to dwell on the direction of my life.