Actually, I had a really great day. On the outside. I had a good time at church, got to have lunch with Josh and a good buddy, watched a cool movie, worked on my mosaic, went for a good jog…all around a good day. It’s just the date. Last time I was pregnant, I remember that September 12th was supposed to be my due date. I tried to erase it out of my calendar, but I can still see it when I flip the pages…that and I don’t think a woman really forgets the due date of her child.
So, it’s an interesting thing. It’s just this kind of silent cloud that follows me around. I know it’s there and try not to pay it too much mind. Or, maybe it’s more like a balloon that I carry around; a balloon I need to let go of. Whatever it is (and whatever the appropriate metaphor is), it’s there. And I feel it deep inside of me. And it aches a little.
I get frustrated because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to dwell on it. I can (and have) cried over it and have really grieved. There just comes a certain point where you have to move on with your life and not allow yourself to be overcome by the painful thoughts.
But, like I said before, it’s more like this silent thing that just shows up every now and then…especially this past week. I think I’ll feel better next week, after this date has passed. Time doesn’t necessarily heal wounds, but it sure can help.
Steph Lewis's Blog
Steph, when something hurts enough, it’s always going to be with you. Time does help in that it doesn’t hurt as much or always, but it WILL be there, and there isn’t a lot you can do about it. So you deal with it when it comes, and move on as best you can. You’d have to be a bit heartless not to notice the date and be affected by it. But you WILL move on.
John Cusack couldn’t let go of some decidedly lighter things in High Fidelity, and while that’s certainly funny, it isn’t abnormal either. Hang tough! I’ll be sure to pray for you about it.
Grieving is a frustrating thing. You feel like it should be over and then it continues to remind you that it is still there. You shouldn’t worry that it isn’t healthy to dwell on it. For you not to have ached over it today would have been unhealthy.
I always feel like I have grieved my hardest, and that I am over things and “moving on” and then I have another hard day that makes me feel like I haven’t moved on at all.
Your description of the feeling following you is so meaningful to me. It describes accurately the feeling of grief, how it hangs over, frustrates, and doesn’t seem to move quickly out of ones life.
Know you are in my prayers constantly. I have been thinking of you a lot these days. Know you are grieving normally and in a healthy way.
I had your due date marked on my calendar, also. This weekend I prayed for you and shed tears again over your loss. My first miscarriage would have been born on Mother’s Day. That memory softened all my Mother’s Day experiences for about five years. I will continue to pray for you and to praise God for the healing and growth He is giving you.