Roll of the Dice
I saw a friend yesterday who was greatly pained by our recent miscarriage. I think she was shocked because, when she asked me how I was doing, I said, “All things considered, pretty good.” She continued by adding how sad she was for us and to keep trying and have hope… Then I said, “Honestly, after you’ve had a few miscarriages they don’t impact you as strongly after awhile. The first few ripped us apart. This one just seemed like a roll of the dice.”
She looked disturbed that I would say such a thing and mumbled something about how it’s okay for me to “be honest with myself and grieve.” I thought about it on the way home and searched myself to see if there was truth to what she said. Was I simplifying this loss down to a roll of the dice just to avoid the pain?
I don’t think so. Yes, I was distraught while it was happening, when I realized I was completely helpless to save this child & had to, once again, yield everything in my life to God. But, there’s also some strange benefits to it – one being a shifted viewpoint and trust in the Lord (which I’m sure would have happened if the child lived or died). The thing is, I think that grieving a miscarriage is different from grieving the loss of a human being who you knew in the flesh. Losing a baby is losing the idea of who that baby was, who you hoped she’d be, how you hoped your life would be with her there. It can also be losing hope for the life you had for yourself. The loss of a dream.
And, after you’ve had several losses, you restrain yourself from feeling extreme joy when you realize you’re pregnant. You hold your breath until the dice is rolled and you know if the child is going to survive or not. I held my breath on this one and lost the roll. So, now I gather myself up again and decide if I’m going to roll again or not. This child, in some senses, was “easier” (can I say that) to lose than the first because I did not allow myself to have an idea in my mind about what my life would be like with that child. Unlike the others where I had names picked out, had analyzed baby purchases, etc.
I decided to write this on my blog just because I wanted people to know how grieving a miscarriage is different. Or, at the very least, how I am grieving it. I am absolutely overjoyed to hear about all the babies being born to friends, family, and acquaintances. Because, if I didn’t like babies, why would I be trying to have one? 😉
Sidenote – my brother & sister-in-law asked me to be the godmother of my little nephew Marcus. How cool is that?
Isn’t he a cutie?