CALEB: Who’s the funniest in this family?
JACK: The cat. Remember when she barfed?
CALEB, *laughing*: Barf! You’re right, it’s the cat.

SANTA: Have you done anything naughty this year?
JACK: Well, right now I’m talking to a stranger.

ME: “Don’t play with the blinds! They will break and Mom will get —?”
CALEB: “… Bored?”

JACK: “Mom, I’m going to tell you how dumb you are. You are zero dumb. You even know not to touch a dead mouse’s soft fur to your face.”

For the church play, Caleb asked if he could make his character more interesting by dressing as Electric Skeleton dressed as a shepherd.

CALEB: “From my observations, fatherhood will be the hardest job for me, but getting into an affordable college will be my nightmare.“

ME: “If you can’t get your own snow gear on, you can’t go outside.” 20 minutes of crying, but lo & behold, they all did it! #AwesomeMeanMom

Estimated # of kid shirts accidentally washed after child adhered a sticker from well-meaning service provider: 400 fra-jillion.

CALEB: “If I ruled the world, every movie would end with the Hallelujah Chorus.”