Gigli – A New Hit From Hollywood

08/01/2003

Gigli is the new hot movie opening this weekend. I hear it’s supposed to be a great box office smash. The critics are raving over this one. Here are a few of the things they’ve said:
1.  ”I had a brief thought that the mundane inanity might be some Samuel Beckett-style commentary on the existential void. Then I realized that watching the movie put me closer to the existential void than they ever were.”
2. “Such an utter wreck of a movie you expect to see it lying on its side somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, with a small gang of engineers circling and a wisp of smoke rising from the caboose.”
3.  ”The movie is pretty much as bad as you’ve heard, a tangle of badness so thick it’s hard to hack your way through and find the good idea that made writer/director Martin Brest think this was a story worth telling.”
4. “A recent episode of South Park suggested that a fourth-grader’s hand puppet could turn in a better performance than Ms. Lopez, and in the case of Gigli, it’s hard to argue.”
5. “I am giving Gigli one star and that is only because of Walken: if Brest were smart, when the film hits DVD, he should only release that scene and stick the rest in the deleted scenes section.”
6.  ”An inert, toneless clunker… with the stars generating almost as much heat as Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley did in their public makeout sessions.”
7. “This is the first time I’ve ever attended a screening where the audience was screaming the word ‘edit!’”
8.  ”Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching Glitter.”
9. “The vow Jen and Ben should exchange is to promise to never step foot in front of a movie camera together again as long as they both shall live.”
10. “Jennifer Lopez plays a lesbian in Gigli, and Ben Affleck plays a heterosexual man, which means they have one thing in common: Both of them are in a crummy movie.”
11. “It’s a sorry statement, when the actor that has the most subtle performance is the kid with Tourette’s.”
12.  ”Gigli rhymes with “really.” As in “really bad,” or “really offensive,” or “really wish I’d remembered my gun so I could just shoot myself now and end the misery.”"
13. “Every generation gets the celebrities they deserve, but what have we done to deserve Gigli?”
14. “Gigli is so unrelentingly bad that people may want to see it just as a bonding experience; viewers (read: victims) will want to talk and comfort each other afterwards.”
15. “It makes Mariah Carey’s Glitter look like Citizen Kane.”
Funny thing is…I’m considering seeing Gigli just so I can be in on the crowd that can sit around and endlessly bash it. I want to think of clever satirical statements. Some of the critics even said that this movie is so bad that it’s funny. Maybe it will do well at the box-office because people really want to know what “bad” is. Something to determine the other end of the spectrum.
So, just for fun…I want to hear what your favorite Gigli bashes are. You can vote from the ones above or make up your own. Add it to the comments link below. I like the Citizen Kane one (#15). I think that one’s a seriously low blow. I bet the critic thought it out and saved it for many years… wanting to give it to the most awful movie ever. Congratulations Gigli. You’ve earned the best critic bash. Ever.