Exhaustion Sets In


Darn it. I typed this once…and now I’m typing it again because I closed the wrong window without saving first. So, here goes…again….
I’m way tired today. I’m doing all I can to put on the brakes of my freight train life. I want it to slow down, but sometimes God has other plans. My house is still in boxes. I wish there was more order before I have to go to work tomorrow. I just like to not have to pick through boxes to find my toothbrush or my alarm clock or whatever thing I happen to need at the time. I have a lot done, I’m just tired of spending all of my free time trying to organize my life.
Today we talked with the pastor of the Jr. High group. He said that he wanted to invite us on the Romania trip, but didn’t because we were expecting a child at the time. I was also asked a while ago to go on the Yosemite trip with my school, but turned it down because of my pregnancy. Now I have no baby, no Romania, and no Yosemite. It makes me a little angry. I have to keep reminding myself that God has good purpose and will glorify Himself the most if we go with His plans. Sometimes I get frustrated that my brain is too small to comprehend God and His will for my life.
Josh and I have been looking into the possibility of adoption. Not sure when or if this will happen. I’m just not sure how many more times I want to go through miscarriages before giving up completely on having my own child. It’s starting to feel a little ritualistic where I get pregnant, get my hopes up (actually, not so much with this last one), lose the child, then take a week off of work to recuperate. How many times do I go through that before I just say forget it?
I’ve always had a heart for the kids at Cebu Children’s Shelter. Ever since I went there on my Philippines trip, I knew that it was a big possibility that some of those kids could end up in my home. I’m not sure when or how or if…it’s just a someday possibility.
On top of that, I’ve been struggling a lot with my looks lately. I never have until now. I just feel unattractive and kind of lousy. I’ve been checking myself in the mirror too many times and fussing over my clothes. I believe that Satan is messing with my head and trying to get my to believe lies. Again, I find myself at the foot of God’s throne. Looking for answers. But even more than that, looking for some kind of peace.