I Want to Be Bounty Hunter


For spammers. I had this schweet dream last night (obviously a reflection of my deep deep hatred for spammers) that the government made it illegal to post spam on websites. They offered money for bringing them spammers. I went to my computer and my inbox was full of spam posted to my blog and I had the last straw. I signed up to be Stephanie Lewis, Bounty Hunter.
So, I start witht the ones that are close to home. You know, the jerkos who post things like “interesting info” and “i really enjoyed your site.” The anger inside of me churned as I poured over books about reading IP addresses and tracking people through their ISPs and stuff. So, the first one, I figured out was a guy in America named Gary. Yeah, you can see him now, sitting in his cold, dark basement laying the spam on people like it was some kind of sick joy. Laughing. Oh, it makes me sick.
So, I track Gary down, go to his door and say, “Are you Gary Johnson?” And, stupidly, he says, “Yeah, who wants to know?” With a tip of my cool detectivey hat, I grab his arm, twist it behind his back and drop him to the ground. “This is a citizens arrest. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can be held against you in a court of law…”
I tote Gary down to the government station, where the officer says, “Gary Johnson. We’ve been looking for this guy for years,” then spits off to the side.
So, they pay me the big bucks and cover my travel expenses. They give me a secret inside list of the spammers they are trying to nail; some are on a red alert because they are scrambling to cross the border. Some already have crossed the border and need to get caught and brought back. And others, are more elusive, because they never spammed while on American soil. Turned out that Haiti and Puerto Rico were hubs for spammers because they leech tax monies off the U.S., but still get to have their own government rules. There were things in congress to fix the spam trade involving those spam-infested countries.
So, I continued on my journey of collecting spammers. Always feeling like I was doing my part to bring freedom and justice to all those who want to hold free and open discussions on a public forum. People who think advertisers should have to pay the big bucks in order to stick an ad in front of us. People who don’t want to force others to register a login name and password just to have a simple conversation. The good people who want to maintain connections and discussions with people all across the world, even if they don’t always agree.
Then I ride off into the sunset. *Sigh…tear* That was a beautiful dream.