The Thing I Hate the Most


This blog has overtaken my journaling, so this entry is a bit more personal than usual.
The thing I hate the most about my miscarriages is not the blood, the pain, the tears, or even the fact that I don’t have a child. Those things are bearable with a bit of godly perspective.
The thing that I hate the most is that it has taken something I love and made me hesitant. I love children. I have always loved children. I have been the one that walks into a room and, bypassing the boring adults, makes a v-line to the kids. I love their joy, their sense of play, and the funny things they do. Even when they’re cranky. But now, I walk into a room, see kids (especially young ones), and hesitate. I didn’t do that before. I look at them and think, “Can I handle this today?” Usually I tell myself to get over it and force myself over to interact with them. It’s like getting back on the horse after it bucks you off.
And I hate that hesitation. I feel like something I have loved so much has somehow been broken and now I can’t enjoy it the way I used to.
Yesterday I was talking with two ladies from my work who are pregnant, and I notice that they hesitate around me too. Before, people would tell me all about their pregancies and babies and stuff…now others hesitate too. And that bothers me. But then, I look at it, and know that I would do the same thing around someone who had lost several babies. And that they are just being sensitive. And I’m thankful for that.
And I wonder, if in some bizarre way, my brain is operating my life on defense mechinisms. If I spend my time with people who have no children, or hang out with Jr. High kids (because they’re not even concerned with having a baby and hopefully aren’t getting pregnant anytime soon), am I just avoiding children? Before I wouldn’t say so, but before I didn’t hesitate. But now, looking at myself from the outside, I wonder a little.
I keep remembering how God used barren women to minister in the Bible (mostly Old Testament). One that stands out to me is Rachel. In Genesis 29:31 it says, “When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.”
This shows me clearly that God has the right to close my womb. He has the right to determine if, how many, and when. And he has good reason to make those decisions for me. Even looking at this verse, I see that Rachel was loved, and he was using the pregnancy as a way to lift Leah up, and probably to show Rachel who was the true God in her life. And, if that’s what God is doing in my life (which I don’t have the mind to know), then I think that is awesome. Because, I know that I am loved completely and deeply by my husband and that is the greatest gift ever given to me by any human being. I don’t even deserve that, yet I have been so blessed. And, for THAT I rejoice and give praise to God for all that He has blessed me with. And I submit my life to His will, knowing that it is the very best place to be.