Things You Can’t Blog About
I haven’t really been blogging lately because most of the things I want to talk about are things that aren’t really appropriate for a internet-published blog. I have all these weird thoughts on stuff like marriage, relationships w/ friends & coworkers, sex, pooping, fears, local events…all sorts of stuff that I can’t really find an appropriate way to talk about in a public forum.
That’s so frustrating. I feel like I want to be really open, but my story is also the story of other people and, while I may feel comfortable sharing many things, the people who share my story may not be. That, and there’s the whole issue of audience, blah…blah…blah.
Anyway, I hesitated to write about this one, but I think I can express my feelings in an understandable way. I don’t know why, but I have recently discovered a huge fear in myself that I never really recognized before. I am afraid of divorce. No…there are no issues brewing and I dare say that I have one of the best marriages on the face of this planet. So, why the fear? I’ve had some friends recently split their marriages and share some feelings with me and that kind of shocked me. Then, I started having weird dreams about my marriage ending in some really terrible why that left me overrideen with guilt and practically unable to funciton in society. It’s making me hesitate to build relationships with women, for fear that Josh would find them more interesting then I. Now, those of you who know Josh know that this kind of thing is not in his character. Am I obsessive?
I think this whole thing started in my head after the third miscarriage. For some reason, I (to some extent) equate being a good wife with being able to provide offspring. I’ve also been really open to adoption, but there’s something about carrying on the genes. Ya know? It’s strange, really. Anyway, I hate feeling inadequate.
Anyway, the only reason that I decided to post this is because I feel that I’m under some serious spiritual warfare. Only Satan can bring on this kind of ungrounded fear. I’ve been praying against it for a few days now and haven’t really seen a let up yet. So, I’d appreciate some prayer.
2 Thessalonians 3
3But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.
1 Peter 5
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
Ephesians 6
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.