What’s My Deal?


I’ve been in a kind of daze for the past few days. I don’t know why. I keep feeling like something is going to happen, like an ache in my chest that just knows. It’s this constant angst that sits somewhere between my ribs and my heart that pushes me out of my reality and into some neverworld that others can’t seem to relate to.
Sometimes I feel like a total loner. It’s like, I come home from work and I just want people to leave me alone. Except Josh, but being with him is like being with me so it doesn’t really count. But, friends call and are all, “Hey! Let’s hang out!” And I don’t want to. Not because I don’t like them or anything…I’d just rather be alone.
It could be something about being an introvert…blah, blah…and people sap my energy…blah, blah…and I’m with people all day so I’m just tired out. Maybe. But there’s something more to it that I don’t quite get. I generally don’t like hanging out. It’s weird and I can’t explain it…there are just other things I’d rather do. It seems like a waste of time. Does that make me bad? Am I a loner? Is there something wrong with me that I get sick of people after awhile?
Makes me wonder what would happen if I went to a deserted island for a couple of months. Would I appreciate people more? Would I be able to relate better because I’d have a new appreciation? I guess I feel like everyone has certain expectations of me and, when I fail to live up to them, I just feel like crap for crap. It’s easier just to be me by myself. I don’t think people would like the real me if I showed it. She’s kind of judgmental and distant and fragile.