A Rip in My Shoe
I’ve been struggling a lot the past few days with feeling like I’m missing the point in my life. Feeling like I’m just generally getting numb to things I used to find fun. Wondering what fun is. I know that sounds lame and depressing, but I honestly think it’s a mid-life thing that lots of people go through. After several years of being a cog in the machine. After teaching kids how to slip and score their clay for the nine-kajillionth time. After loading and unloading the dishwasher… again. After trying to balance the bags in your arm while unlocking the door, only to have them fall…again. Looking at the coffee you just dripped down your shirt on the way to work. Accomplishing something others think is great, but really means little to you. Fighting the same battles. Writing “toilet paper” on the grocery list. All of that stuff. It just starts to all feel monotonous and, well, numb.
I got a pair of shoes awhile back that I really liked. The stitching tore on them and they were no longer fit for wearing. This morning I put them on and thought, “You idiot, these shoes are broken. You’ll barely get to school and they’ll rip and you won’t even be able to keep your foot in them anymore. Then what are you going to do?” I ignored the voice, getting tired of hearing it, and put them on anyway. Sure enough, they ripped and my foot wouldn’t stay in them. I looked at my ripped shoe and exposed foot and half of me was thinking, “Duh! I told you so!!!” and another half of me was saying, “Well, we’re just gonna have to figure something out.”
So, I went into my office and duct taped it back together. I taped it on the inside, and you honestly can’t see that there’s anything wrong with the shoe. It took me about thirty minutes to cut the tape and needle-nose it into place piece by piece. (I actually think I’ll be able to get a few more wears out of them now). Then, I got into this whole mental battle about why I would wear shoes I knew were broken to work. What’s my deal? Am I going mental?
I started praying, wondering if God was letting me go insane, letting go. And then I started feeling comforted. Like my life needs some duct tape to hold it back together & He has some kind of super-dooper heavy duty duct tape that’s way more weatherproof and stain-resistant. His tape would help me to keep appearances up. To keep me moving forward. To keep me together. Anyway, I thought I’d ask people what keeps them from going nutso from the monotony of day to day life. I know many of my friends will say God – but what about Him? Why? How? I’m just curious.
I think I would also have to say that volleyball and surfing keep me sane, unfortunately I haven’t been doing either. Josh & my dogs are a big help and I’ve been taking large doses of them lately. Cleaning kills me though. Oh man, do I hate cleaning. I wish I was a ka-jillionaire so I could hire a maid. That would rule. Okay, I’m ending on a tangent again, but that’s nothing new. See? Back to the monotony. Even going on a tangent feels monotonous. Sheesh!