Outward Signs of Life Trials (Miscarriage & Infertility)


I find it interesting that the more serious of spiritual and life battles are often fought internally or in such a way that they are not public. I have been specifically considering families that have dealt with miscarriage or infertility. The only outward sign of this life trial is that the couple has no children, but a stranger or someone not in-the-know might just infer that they chose not to have children.
Now, a couple (especially the woman) dealing with this constantly sees around them all of the families who have children. You see the kids running around, the other mothers and fathers speak of their children, etc. But no one knows of my lost babes by looking at me; they will only know if I choose to speak of them. It is so easy to look around and see all of God’s blessings (children) given to other families and then to think inwardly of your own missing children and feel alone in your struggle.
Now, wouldn’t it be interesting if women also bore an outward sign of children they have lost? Or children they couldn’t have?
I recognize that that would possibly cause more problems than it would solve. Like the adulteress forced to wear a capital “A” on her chest, the woman who could not bear living children would most likely struggle with much shame and guilt. On the other hand, it could give much hope, or at least perspective, to other women experiencing similar trials.
After I had my first miscarriage, women came out of the woodwork to share that they too have gone through that trial. I was astounded because had I never known anybody who dealt with it before my own loss. And after my second miscarriage, even more women came out of the woodwork. How would my life have been altered if (1) before I even had children I was aware that child loss happens so frequently and (2) I was able to easily identify other women who lived through this life trial while also enduring my own? Would easily being able to identify women in my own shared-experience-community allow for greater healing, life perspective, or at least understanding of a sovereign God?
I am in no way saying that women should bear any sign of lost children unless by personal choice. I’m not even sure if it’s something I would ever do (unless you consider this blog to be an outward symbol of my losses).
Baby 1 – Lost around June 6th, 2002
Baby 2 – Lost December 9th, 2002
Baby 3 – Lost February 4, 2004
Baby 4 – Lost July 12th, 2006
Baby 5 – Born September 5th, 2007 – Caleb Stephen
Baby 6 – Born December 9th, 2009 – Jack Edward
(It’s fun to have this blog because I can see how my willingness to yield to God’s decisions has changed from Baby 1 to now. From confusion to anger to disbelief to peace to worship and praise. I’ll share that journey at a later time.)
I have been trying to find ways to remember the lives of the four babes I have not known. I hope to someday mark their lives perhaps on my own gravestone (since they never got one of their own). I try to remember them on holidays and I always remember them on the dates that I lost them. I most often think of them when I dream of heaven. I wonder what it will be like to meet four children raised to perfection by God Himself. Blows my mind. Family reunion indeed.