I am an artist & teacher with a ❤ for visual expression, educational methodology, homesteading, & Jesus. My geek-love is The Joshua and we have three peanut-butters: Caleb, Jack, & Louritta.

High Potential

07/25/2006

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Image based on Nachosan’s Flickr site. When I was in first grade, I took the CAT test and did really well on it, and continued to test well throughout my academic career. This was apparently a big deal, and I was then listed as “High Potential” (today it’s known as Gifted and Talented Education, or GATE). My school district was a big supporter of the High Potential programs and had specialists in each school to make sure that these students were educated properly and were given proper challenges. This included a book club in 1st grade. When I was in 2nd grade, I helped lead the 1st grade book club. I also had to do extra reports in school and give presentations on my findings. By 4th grade I had qualified for a program called “Great Brain” and had to research different subjects, write about them, give presentations on them (with visual aides, usually edited video), and spend so many hours meeting with people in the real world who related to those reports. I spent time with a zookeeper, a veterinarian, a spinal surgeon, and a weather reporter (yes, Dave Dahl… sweet).
I switched to a different school for 5th grade and was assigned to work with two GATE teachers. There was another student, Brian, who tested similarly to me. We were pulled out of class regularly and built projects around our areas of interest. During this time, my GATE teachers gave me extra tests at school. I think they thought I was some kind of genius or something because they made a big deal out of it. I don’t even know the names of the tests, but I remember being given certain materials to see how I could build things under certain circumstances (like – here is a roll of masking tape and four paperclips, how high of a structure can you build?). For one test, I made a 3″ tall structure out of three pieces of paper and four pieces of scotch tape that was able to withstand 300 pounds of weight. I’m not sure if it could have carried more because that’s all the weight they had with them.
Through it all, I felt pleased that all of these adults thought I was so smart. I did feel different because I was able to solve all kinds of problems and stuff that seemed like a big deal to the High Potential instructors. What I didn’t recognize at the time was why I was getting this extra attention. Was I really smarter than others? And, if I was, what was the purpose behind this extra attention?
I continued to test high on standardized tests for the rest of my academic career and altogether did very well. I floundered a bit in college, mostly because I think I was overwhelmed with the task of doing exceptional work academically while working 40+ hour weeks to pay the bill. That made me tired pretty much all the time and I don’t think I did my best work. (Sidenote – many wonder why I didn’t have school paid for me because of my great test scores. Well, I did get scholarships from those that I used to pay part of my public university tuition. I was offered full ride scholarships in Chemistry at some state schools, which I turned down because I wanted to be an actress and I wanted to go to a private school).
I realize now how weird of a kid I was. When I speak about things I did in my youth, others look at me like I am completely insane. Things like wanting an unabridged dictionary for Christmas in 4th grade because I had already finished reading the last one (…in case you never finished a dictionary, the Zebra did it…). I longed for it for many months and am sure I got beat up by my brothers a few times for wanting a dictionary. I read an insane amount of books and would always carry at least 4-5 leisure books with me to read during down time depending on my mood. These books were fiction and non-fiction on many different subjects; mostly novels, history, biography, topical, and how-to books. Another strange behavior occurred in 5th grade when I saw that my teacher wasn’t giving us art lessons. I was mad and jealous of the other class, so I did some research and found out what the state standards were for teaching art. I presented them to my teacher with an insistance that my class deserved an education in art that, at the very least, met the state standards. I could tell more stories about how I was weird, but I think I’ve proven my point.
Anyway, the reason I bring this up on my blog is because I wonder about High Potential or GATE education. Was the extra effort worth it? If I’m high potential, does that mean I somehow owe more to society? Am I reaching that potential? How do I know? My only guess is that an investment was made in GATE students only to up the test scores for my school district because I’ve had no further contact with anyone about it since I graduated high school. No one checks in on me to see if I’m actually reaching my potential. But, the label “High Potential” is interesting to me. Knowing that I was once labeled as that, I don’t know, it’s kind of weird.
I’d love to hear from others who were labeled similarly to see how you “turned out” and maybe some thoughts on the subject of giving the “smart kids” a different kind of education.

Um. Yeah.

07/17/2006

Anyone else find this MN Twins pic freaking hilarious?
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(Thanks to Robb for the link.)
P.S. I know, Josh posted this too. We both saw it and laughed at the same time and then had a mad race to post the pic on our sites. Eh, some of our audiences are the same and some are different. It’s just that funny, being a former Minnesotan and all.

Roll of the Dice

07/16/2006

I saw a friend yesterday who was greatly pained by our recent miscarriage. I think she was shocked because, when she asked me how I was doing, I said, “All things considered, pretty good.” She continued by adding how sad she was for us and to keep trying and have hope… Then I said, “Honestly, after you’ve had a few miscarriages they don’t impact you as strongly after awhile. The first few ripped us apart. This one just seemed like a roll of the dice.”
She looked disturbed that I would say such a thing and mumbled something about how it’s okay for me to “be honest with myself and grieve.” I thought about it on the way home and searched myself to see if there was truth to what she said. Was I simplifying this loss down to a roll of the dice just to avoid the pain?
I don’t think so. Yes, I was distraught while it was happening, when I realized I was completely helpless to save this child & had to, once again, yield everything in my life to God. But, there’s also some strange benefits to it – one being a shifted viewpoint and trust in the Lord (which I’m sure would have happened if the child lived or died). The thing is, I think that grieving a miscarriage is different from grieving the loss of a human being who you knew in the flesh. Losing a baby is losing the idea of who that baby was, who you hoped she’d be, how you hoped your life would be with her there. It can also be losing hope for the life you had for yourself. The loss of a dream.
And, after you’ve had several losses, you restrain yourself from feeling extreme joy when you realize you’re pregnant. You hold your breath until the dice is rolled and you know if the child is going to survive or not. I held my breath on this one and lost the roll. So, now I gather myself up again and decide if I’m going to roll again or not. This child, in some senses, was “easier” (can I say that) to lose than the first because I did not allow myself to have an idea in my mind about what my life would be like with that child. Unlike the others where I had names picked out, had analyzed baby purchases, etc.
I decided to write this on my blog just because I wanted people to know how grieving a miscarriage is different. Or, at the very least, how I am grieving it. I am absolutely overjoyed to hear about all the babies being born to friends, family, and acquaintances. Because, if I didn’t like babies, why would I be trying to have one? 😉
Sidenote – my brother & sister-in-law asked me to be the godmother of my little nephew Marcus. How cool is that?
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Isn’t he a cutie?

Orson Scott Card is Oh So Cool

07/14/2006

So, I’ve been reading Orson Scott Card‘s Ender series for the last couple of months. I finished Ender’s Game on audio book about a year ago; Josh and I listened to it while traveling to and from the Klamath River in Northern California. It was really really good, but I wasn’t at a point in my geekness that I was willing to read the rest of the series. Not that I didn’t want to, I just knew that to read other books would be admitting that I was a much larger geek than I wanted to be. And I just couldn’t face that possibility at the time.
The problem is, we kept talking about Ender all year long. We’d hit a situation in life and be like, “I wonder what Ender would do in this situation.” So, I caved a couple of months ago and just bought the rest of the books in the series (when I also learned that Sci-Fi books are WAY cheaper than the metaphorical literary-award novels I usually read).
So, I finished Speaker For the Dead and Xenocide and am now on to Children of the Mind. That will finish off this part of the series, that is until Card finishes another book, Ender in Exile: Ganges. As soon as I’m done with Children of the Mind, I’m straight on to the parallel series that features Bean (a friend of Ender’s in battle school). Those books are: Ender’s Shadow, Shadow of the Hegemon, Shadow Puppets, Shadow of the Giant, and finally, the yet-to-be-published Shadows in Flight.
After that, I think I’ll check out his Women of Genesis series just to see how he handles a non-fantasy, biblical scenario.
My favorite part about Orson Scott Card is that he not only is exceptional at weaving complex, futuristic stories together, but that he actually has some pretty interesting philosophy built into his books. They aren’t the kind of books where you’re only entertained, you are forced to look at ethics and arguments and points-of-view. And it stretches you if you let it. I actually read an article that said that Card started off getting major sci-fi fans for Ender’s Game, but ended up losing some of those people because he had a tendency to get too philosophical. But, he picked up a whole different crowd of readers who were curious about possible ethical dilemmas that could present themselves in the future.
Wikipedia gave this Orson Scott Card quote; explaining why he is so focused on intense characterization & moral issues: “We care about moral issues, nobility, decency, happiness, goodness—the issues that matter in the real world, but which can only be addressed, in their purity, in fiction.”
Anyway, just thought I’d share that I’m totally digging this series and can’t put the books down. It’s painful to be reading books for my graduate classes about statistical analysis of data when you’d rather be finding out if they’re actually going to blow up that planet or not. I hope they don’t. It’s such a neat little planet….

Not a Prophet, Just Insane

07/12/2006

Well, to answer everyone’s burning question. The man was not a prophet. Josh and I were absolutely floored awhile ago when we found out we were pregnant. Then, we realized the strangeness of it’s connection to the crazy prophet/flirt man when we were told the baby’s due date was early March. But, as is to be expected with my history, I started miscarrying yesterday.
Before I get lots of comments about feeling so sad, just know that, while I feel twinges of sadness, I pretty much got all of that out yesterday. Today I’m different, except for my blubbering calls to family this morning. I’ve actually had some interesting thoughts about this whole deal.
First thought is that, if you add up all of the time I’ve been pregnant from all past pregnancies, you figure out that I’ve been pregnant for about 42 weeks. That’s enough that I should have a child by now. I’ve had hope in my heart for having a child so long that it adds up to a full pregnancy. And I have no baby, no war story about child birth, no feelings of baby kicking… all that stuff. It’s weird, kind of surreal to think about.
Next, it still sucks to tell people that your fourth hope to carry on your terrific family genes has failed. We got smart on this pregnancy and only told our immediate family & pastor. I was going to tell some friends of mine, but got stopped short before that could happen. I have informed all of the above people about the miscarriage and only have one person left to tell. The cool lady that makes my coffee in the morning. Here’s how she found out I was pregnant:
Me: Yeah, I’ll take a double-tall iced aztec…decaf.
Cool Coffee Lady: Okay…wait. Decaf?
Me: Yeah. Decaf. *nods toward cool coffee lady*
Cool Coffee Lady: Decaf. YOU want DE-caf.
Me: Yes.
Cool Coffee Lady: *looks disturbed, she’s looking me up and down in confusion* My “quad in the morning” wants a decaf.
Me: Yes.
Cool Coffee Lady: *looks at me very suspiciously then a lightbulb goes on, and she whispers while patting her belly…* You’re pregnant.
So, now, I get to go back to the coffee shop and order regular coffee. As soon as I order it, she’ll know. I have it all played out in my mind already. Then I’ll be done telling people.
Last (for now), I’ve had to face the idea of prayer head on. When you have nine-kajillion faithful servants of the Lord petitioning Him on your behalf for this child to live, and he still chooses a different path, you learn the meaning of disbelief. Not that I’ve lost faith in the Lord over this, but that you find out something like this and you can’t help but stop and look at God and go, “What are you doing?” I don’t want to hear any of the lovely, pat, Christian arguments about God’s will or God’s plan for me and God knowing better and all that. It just makes me stop and go — What is the POINT of prayer? I’ve read everything C.S. Lewis has to say on the topic. I’ve studied Jesus’ purpose for prayer. I’ve relied on prayer heavily to get me through both good and bad times in my life. I know all the Christian-ey anwers.
I guess I just felt like the Lord would bless me on this one. Felt that maybe I deserved it. Felt the weight of the joy it would bring so many people, and felt the pressure of how many people would be crushed by the news of this baby dying. So, why wouldn’t the Lord bless it? And why wouldn’t he hear our prayers? And why wouldn’t he grant the desires of our heart? Perhaps C.S. Lewis’ character was right in Shadowlands when he said that the purpose of prayer was because it changes the person who is praying. I pray because it changes me? Maybe. I’m not fully satisified with that answer yet.
Yesterday, when I realized what was going on, I was home alone. I walked into my living room and collapsed on the floor sobbing. I spread out on my back and shouted out to God. I asked Him what he was doing. If this was a joke. If He was satisfied with my pain yet. Then I thought of Job and wondered if I was being tested, to see if I would still praise Him. I said, “Of course I will praise you. I will ALWAYS praise you because I don’t know how NOT to!”
And, as usual with this God-conversation, I yielded, knowing that He knows more than me and would not allow pain to come to me without very good reasons.
It was a very satisfying prayer, I think, because it was a conversation. I don’t pray so that I can be changed. Everything in life changes me, so I feel that giving prayer that definition whittles it down too much. I pray so that I can enter in. I pray so that I can enter the Holy of Holies and speak with my Father face-to-face. That’s why Christ died, that’s why the veil tore. So that I could fall onto my floor and scream why. So that I could look upon my God with disbelief in how He has willed my life. And so that, through that exchange, I could find some amount of peace leaning against His throne.

Let It All Out

07/12/2006

Well, Relient K strikes again at completely capturing my heart with one of their songs. If you don’t have some good Relient K music, you gotta get some. Their songs are fun & punchy, but the lyrics are those of people encountering God. I’m amazed at how many times I’ve been struck down by one.
Well, here it goes again:
Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don’t be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed
cause we’re so scared to find out
what this life’s all about
so scared we’re going to lose it
and knowing all along
that’s exactly what we need
and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who’s never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency
and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
and I’ll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength
and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who’s never known defeat
and I’ll try my best to just forget
that that man isn’t me
reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you
and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

~ Let It All Out, Relient K

Hope Has a Place

07/11/2006

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One look at love and you may see
it weaves a web over mystery,
all ravelled threads can rend apart
for hope has a place in the lover’s heart.
Hope has a place in a lover’s heart.
~ Hope Has a Place, Enya
I spoke earlier about fear and realizing the fears that bind me. I was shopping a few days ago and I saw the most beautiful pink lilies. I stopped and walked toward them and felt them as a sign to have hope. I felt the Spirit telling me to have hope and to surrender my fears and replace them with that hope.
I just hope that hope is enough. I fear that it won’t be. And I just don’t know how much more rejection I can take. It’s scary when life hits you with hard stuff and you don’t know how many blows you can take before you’ll get knocked out of the fight. Or before you’ll give up. Or before you just won’t care anymore.
But now, despite all odds, I’m choosing to live with hope. It’s all I’ve got.

Coffee and Words in the Morning

07/05/2006

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This sweet pic from phil dokas’ photostream on Flickr
I’ve started a relatively new tradition that has seen me throuh a large portion of the summer so far. But, I’m starting to whittle it down better. I get up in the morning, and after doing all of the get-ready stuff, I hop in the car to my fave coffee joint Caffe Adria. I get myself a great drink, lately it’s been a double-tall iced aztec mocha. Yum! I sit with my beloved drink, hop on their wifi, and write.
I used to spend it doing homework. Because, that’s what I really should be doing all the time – right? Well, lately, I’ve been spending it writing and re-writing my thoughts. Some of which have made their way onto this blog or onto TechnoBabble.
I’ve had lots of thoughts over the past several years, but they just dissipate into nothingness if I don’t have the frame-of-mind to write them down. So, I’m thinking of learning to start the day with a thought generator & coffee. It’s been so good so far (then again, I haven’t had to be at school to start teaching at 7:45 a.m. lately!).
Now, I just need to get the time and discipline to do the same with my painting & drawing! Ahhh… one thing at a time. BTW, one of my co-workers surprised me with a nice gift certificate to University Art, so now I can buy the super pack of Prismacolor colored pencils!!! I’m so pumped. I had a set and they mysteriously disappeared, but now they shall reign in my hands once again! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

I Hate Internet Explorer

07/03/2006

I wish for it to die a slow, painful death. Actually, a quick painless one. Like ripping off a band-aid. Yeah, I want to rip off Internet Explorer off of everyone’s computers like a band-aid. It’s been oppressing web developers long enough. Sheesh.

Congratulations to the Davenports!

06/28/2006

The last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. I finished the class requirements for my CLAD credential. I finished my spring semester for my graduate classes. I ended the school year with my students, including all the grading and cleaning and whatnot. I put together purchase proposals for classes next year. I started my summer graduate classes & have been working my pa-tooty off on those. And, a bunch of other things.
One big highlight was this past weekend down in Redlands, CA, where my dear friends got married! So, here’s a neat pic of Brian and Melanie after they finally got hitched.
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It was a Greek Orthodox wedding, so the ceremony was totally loaded with symbolism and interesting parts that I’ve never seen before. Seriously, you should go to a Greek wedding. I hope to post soon some of the information about the wedding ceremony so you can see how cool it was. Josh and I were both baffled by the difference between their wedding ceremony and every other one we’ve been to.
This summer I’m doing grad school full time and an internship at the Krause Center for Innovation. I’m pretty excited about it and have been working really hard lately. But, I suppose I should just stop talking about how hard I work because – what else is new? Seriously though, I’m planning on slowing my life down eventually….
Anyway, the main event is a huge congratulations to my dear friends Brian & Mel. May the Lord bless and keep your marriage strong through many years.

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