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I am an artist & teacher with a ❤ for visual expression, educational methodology, homesteading, & Jesus. My geek-love is The Joshua and we have three peanut-butters: Caleb, Jack, & Louritta.

Due Date

09/12/2004

Actually, I had a really great day. On the outside. I had a good time at church, got to have lunch with Josh and a good buddy, watched a cool movie, worked on my mosaic, went for a good jog…all around a good day. It’s just the date. Last time I was pregnant, I remember that September 12th was supposed to be my due date. I tried to erase it out of my calendar, but I can still see it when I flip the pages…that and I don’t think a woman really forgets the due date of her child.
So, it’s an interesting thing. It’s just this kind of silent cloud that follows me around. I know it’s there and try not to pay it too much mind. Or, maybe it’s more like a balloon that I carry around; a balloon I need to let go of. Whatever it is (and whatever the appropriate metaphor is), it’s there. And I feel it deep inside of me. And it aches a little.
I get frustrated because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to dwell on it. I can (and have) cried over it and have really grieved. There just comes a certain point where you have to move on with your life and not allow yourself to be overcome by the painful thoughts.
But, like I said before, it’s more like this silent thing that just shows up every now and then…especially this past week. I think I’ll feel better next week, after this date has passed. Time doesn’t necessarily heal wounds, but it sure can help.

A Little More Californian…

09/12/2004

When I first moved to Cali, I ordered a sandwich and the lady asked me if I wanted avacado on it. I was like, “Sure!” Mostly because I had never actually had an avacado. It’s not exactly a Minnesota staple food, and I thought I’d try it. Little did I know that it was a green mushy thing. I took a bite of my sandwich and had to take it out because I thought it was so gross.
Then, two years later, I went to my buddy Dave’s house and he had made this fantastic guacamole using some secret ingredients. It was so good and I was so hungry that I’m pretty sure I ate at least half of the dip myself. Next day, I went to Le Bou and ordered the California Fresh (which has avacado). It was SO GOOD! I then realized the great benefits of adding a bit of avacado to a deli sandwich. It’s not as juicy as a tomato, but not as dry as an onion. It adds a nice bit of moisture to the sandwich with a light flavor. I was so hooked that I had the same sandwich the next day, and asked for it again the day after that (but Josh declined because we had already eaten there twice).
Today, I purchased my very first avacado at the store. I’m planning on putting it in my turkey sandwich tomorrow. Oh, and I’m not using white bread anymore, I have switched to using a sweet slice baguette. Another thing I picked up while here in Cali.
Also, in a conversation a couple days ago, Josh asked me about someone. I made a comment that they “really had an aloha spirit” and he looked at me like I was a complete stranger. That, and I’ve added new words/phrases to my vocabulary like “stoked” (as in “I just got a surfboard, I’m totally stoked!”), “let’s kick it” (as in “Let’s not go out, let’s just stay at home and kick it“), “good times” (as in “And then I totally embarrassed myself…good times.”), “peace” (as in “See you guys later, peace“), and “no worries” (as in “You just spilled paint on the floor? No worries, I’ll clean it up.”).
So, I’m getting a little more Californian. I figure the vocabulary shift and eating avocados isn’t going to kill me, so I’m not really worried about any of the changes just yet. Good times.

My First Earthquake

09/09/2004

Okay, so it’s the first one that I actually felt. Last night, around 3:30 a.m. there was this huge boom sound. I woke up and thought that there was an intruder in my house. It sounded like someone breaking through a door or window frame. So, I woke up and turned on some lights and let Henson run through the house. There was no one, so I double checked the locks and went back to bed.
Today, I came to work and eveyone was talking about the earthquake. Oh!!! That’s what that was! So, I felt all happy that there was no intruder, and all fascinated by the concept of earthquakes.
People at work were sharing about the 1989 Earthquake, which I don’t remember. Earthquakes aren’t very memorable when you’re living in Minnesota!
This made me recall when I was 5 years old and a tornado ripped through White Bear Lake, MN (where I lived at the time). It was a small tornado, but it ripped off part of my neighbor’s roof. I was young and scared…yet strangely fascinated.
I guess that’s what natural disasters are…very scary, but strangely interesting at the same time.

Sick of My Pride

09/08/2004

One thing that has really been convicting me is how I am often worried about what others think of me. I bore people to death explaining all of the great things I’ve done. I’m even sick of hearing myself talk about myself…I can’t imagine what anyone else must thinking.
A couple weekends ago, we went with the Jr. High group to Manresa Beach. I spent much of the day helping kids take to the waves and learn how to boogie board. Afterwards, Mark (our Pastor) came up to me and said that one of the kids was just glowing & grinning from ear-to-ear because I had taught her how to boogie board and put her up on her very first wave.
I wish I had just said, “Awesome!” and left it at that. But noooooooooooo, I have to go on for a couple of minutes about how I pulled out three kids at a time, taking the waves myself so they wouldn’t get hurt, how I told them when to take the wave, how to manuver their boards, how to…blah blah blah.
It was like I saw myself from the outside, talking way too much, filled with pride, hoping that if I explain what I’ve done in detail people will somehow think better of me. It made me sick.
I just finished a study on the book of John. Man, that Jesus was a controversial fellow! Anyway, there is a point where Jesus heals a man by the pool. After he heals the man, the Bible says, “The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there” (John 5:13). It hit me hard that this is yet another area where I’m far from being Christ-like.
If it was me who healed that guy, I’d probably be in the temple telling my story loudly, adding embellishments wherever it would make the story more interesting or wherever it would make me look mightier.
Why is it so important what others think of me? Why can’t I just shut my mouth and savor the moments where God allows me to serve? Every time I brag and pridefully speak of myself, it feels like poison in my soul. I need to learn to just shut my mouth. If only it were so easy….

Wolf Dream

09/02/2004

I had this really vivid dream last night that I was living in this strange place. It was similar to earth, only pretty much everything was made out of some kind of foamy-plastic. Anyway, I was talking with some people about how it was filled with sin and we were praying for our god to come soon. People were getting killed in really sick ways and it was just not good. Our “bible” said that when god returned he would come as a wolf and would run throughout the world.
So, I’m standing outside of my plastic-foam house and there is this huge flash of light and everything goes dark for a second, then it’s light again. Like the sun just stopped working but then turned on again. It’s peaceful like nothing happened for a few minutes. Then, I see this wolf off in the distance running incredibly fast. As it is running, people start to disappear. It was just like our bible had said. I stood there watching god-as-wolf run. So many people were disappearing that I freaked out a bit in my heart. What if I really wasn’t chosen? What if I disappeared too? What if I really wasn’t good enough?
The wolf ran by me and I was left standing there. I looked around and there were some others who also were left. Our eyes met and we all felt relieved but strange.
The dream continued to a few months later. I was riding in a jeep with someone and we were talking about how it was weird to be left on our planet with all of these “good” people. Legalism had somewhat taken over and we all felt incredible pressure to please our god. We felt as though we could never be good enough to please our god and that he would probably have to add to his holy book another way to weed out the sin and make us good again. It seemed hopeless…we would never be good enough.
Our book also said that when our god-as-wolf roamed the earth, that he would love his people dearly, but would live as an animal in the wild. He would need to eat people as his food…but those people would then be sent to a special place in heaven. It seemed that the chances of getting eaten by god-as-wolf were slim because the earth was so big.
One day I went for a walk in the forest and came across a field with a stream by it. I was drinking water from the stream when I looked up and saw god-as-wolf sitting across the field staring at me. I knew he was going to eat me so I just knelt down, closed my eyes tightly, and prayed. Several minutes had passed and I still wasn’t eaten. But, strangely, I was overwhelmed with peace and comfort. When I opened my eyes, I saw that god-as-wolf was sitting next to me staring off across the horizon. I turned to look at him, he looked back at me with deep, sad eyes. I knew he would not eat me. I wanted to touch him, but felt too undeserving, so I just sat there and looked across the fields with him.
Then I woke up. There you have it! Another trip down vivid-bizarro-Stephanie dreamland!

My Opinion Voiced…Through Flip Flops

09/01/2004

I’ve been watching the Republican campaign for President lately, and am finding the symbol of the flip flop to be hilarious. The Republican’s are using John Kerry’s flip flops as a huge debate point in this election. It’s even gone so far as to have it’s own website. Including the schweet footwear merchandise. (Which I totally want…but I don’t get paid until the end of September…grrrrr).
Anyhoo…because of my love for Bush, I’ve decided that I’m going to share my opinions on this election and on John Kerry’s campaign by committing to only wearing flip flops until the election. No tennis shoes, no dress shoes, no cute knee-high boots. Just flip flops. Starting immediately. Go Bush!

It’s Naked Postcard Time Again!

08/26/2004

It’s that time of year again! I have received more postcards to use in my Art class and, as usual, have to remove all of the naked postcards. They are all beautiful works of Art…it’s just too controversial to have one of Gaugin’s naked tribal women or Siqueiros’ New Democracy mural and the like in a middle school discussion. So…if you’d like one or two…e-mail me your address and I’ll drop them in the mail! (While supplies last, offer void where prohibited).

First day of Cooler

08/26/2004

Wow! I can’t believe that the school year has started already! Last year seems so far away. So, today’s the first day of school and everything is moving along just slick. My room is uber-cool complete with the tables painted to create a giant room color wheel.
Oh my gosh…yesterday my pants ripped. And I mean like a big butt rip. They ripped when I bent down to get something. I heard a noise, but didn’t recognize it as anything. A bit later I felt a draft. When I looked back I was like, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Luckily, I had been working in my room by myself. Then, a fellow teacher walked in and talked to me for a bit, then left. I made sure not to turn my back! Luckily (again), I remembered that I had my emergency clay pants in my office. So, I got those put on and was all good. Whew!
Once, the zipper on the side of my skirt broke and I fixed it at school with some staples and duct tape because I had nothing else to change into. Oh, and once I had a bunch of my “more revealing” buttons pop off of my shirt…again…staples and duct tape to the rescue! It’s amazing how people will improvise to avoid public embarrassment.
Oh, that was a total tangent. Anyhoo…I just pray God’s blessings on my students this year!

Stupid Back

08/19/2004

I hurt my back a long time ago when I fell off my horse. Then I hurt it bad again 1 1/2 years ago when we moved. Now, for no apparent reason, it’s hurting again. Stupid back. Sigh…back to the heat & ice, stretch, heat & ice, stretch, drug up, heat & ice, stretch….

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